"This is what I'm doing."
"I think it's stupid and you're going to regret it."
"Maybe so but it's my life."
"Fine. Do what you want. I may tolerate this endeavor of yours but I'm definitely not supporting it."
Ever have that conversation?
Whether you're on the receiving or giving end, it doesn't feel good. We all like approval and when the people closest to you refuse to give it, or worse, give you just the opposite, it can be extremely painful to take.
So what tends to happen in this situation?
Someone retreats and isolates from the family... thus the curse of 'tolerance.'
If what you want is a peace-filled, joyous home, the word tolerance has no place in it. By definition, the word tolerance means "a sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own."
No judgment there, right?
In The Power of Intention
, Dr. Wayne Dyer writes, "Think of impacting others like gravity, with no need to move against or attack anyone. People who feel empowered by your presence become kindred spirits. That can only happen if they feel safe rather than attacked, secure rather than judged, calm rather than harassed."
When you "tolerate" the choices being made by a family member what you are really saying is, "I'm right, you're wrong and your justification for doing this proves to me that your thinking and way of doing things isn't good enough."
You are telling that person that they aren't good enough. Your two cents as to how they should run their lives has now become a judgment that results in pushing them farther away from you for a time, maybe forever.
How's that for family togetherness?
You might ask, "But what if this person is making a terrible mistake? What if every fiber of my being is against their choice? Am I supposed to smile and pretend that they're doing the right thing, especially if it's illegal (drugs, drinking, sex, etc.)?"
My answer to you is this:
Your role, in any family dynamic, is not to "show" that person the way but to encourage and empower them as they find it for themsleves. That might mean this person is going to have to go through some rough times to get the lesson.
It may mean that, for a time, you commit to saying nothing rather than speaking out in judgment. It might mean that you ask this person lovingly not to discuss this particular issue with you because YOU are not ready to receive it.
Either way, it boils down to a choice. Do you choose to be the supportive family member who says, "I support you in figuring out what's right for you and I know, whatever comes, you'll handle it" or do you choose to be the domineering, highly judgmental family member who says "What you're doing is wrong and I won't stand by and watch you make a fool of yourself."
At the end of the day, whatever choice you make, has everything to do with YOU and NOTHING to do with that family member or his or her choice?
Why?
Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book
, explains it best:
"Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them." "I think it's stupid and you're going to regret it."
"Maybe so but it's my life."
"Fine. Do what you want. I may tolerate this endeavor of yours but I'm definitely not supporting it."
Ever have that conversation?
Whether you're on the receiving or giving end, it doesn't feel good. We all like approval and when the people closest to you refuse to give it, or worse, give you just the opposite, it can be extremely painful to take.
So what tends to happen in this situation?
Someone retreats and isolates from the family... thus the curse of 'tolerance.'
If what you want is a peace-filled, joyous home, the word tolerance has no place in it. By definition, the word tolerance means "a sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own."
No judgment there, right?
In The Power of Intention
, Dr. Wayne Dyer writes, "Think of impacting others like gravity, with no need to move against or attack anyone. People who feel empowered by your presence become kindred spirits. That can only happen if they feel safe rather than attacked, secure rather than judged, calm rather than harassed."When you "tolerate" the choices being made by a family member what you are really saying is, "I'm right, you're wrong and your justification for doing this proves to me that your thinking and way of doing things isn't good enough."
You are telling that person that they aren't good enough. Your two cents as to how they should run their lives has now become a judgment that results in pushing them farther away from you for a time, maybe forever.
How's that for family togetherness?
You might ask, "But what if this person is making a terrible mistake? What if every fiber of my being is against their choice? Am I supposed to smile and pretend that they're doing the right thing, especially if it's illegal (drugs, drinking, sex, etc.)?"
My answer to you is this:
Your role, in any family dynamic, is not to "show" that person the way but to encourage and empower them as they find it for themsleves. That might mean this person is going to have to go through some rough times to get the lesson.
It may mean that, for a time, you commit to saying nothing rather than speaking out in judgment. It might mean that you ask this person lovingly not to discuss this particular issue with you because YOU are not ready to receive it.
Either way, it boils down to a choice. Do you choose to be the supportive family member who says, "I support you in figuring out what's right for you and I know, whatever comes, you'll handle it" or do you choose to be the domineering, highly judgmental family member who says "What you're doing is wrong and I won't stand by and watch you make a fool of yourself."
At the end of the day, whatever choice you make, has everything to do with YOU and NOTHING to do with that family member or his or her choice?
Why?
Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book
, explains it best: Knowing this helps both people in the situation. If you've been the one receiving all the judgment and you continue to experience it with that family member, keep in mind two things:
1) If you're getting judgment from ANYBODY else, that means that somewhere within you, you're judging yourself. Dig deep, find out where, and start accepting yourself just the way you are.
2) If you take what that person says and make an agreement for that to be your truth, what you're really letting saying to them is "What you think of me is more important than what I think of myself." We teach people how to treat us.
Either way, as the person on the receiving end, you have two choices:
1) Don't share your vision with people who can't see (i.e. don't talk about it so you don't end up wasting energy defending it)
2) Don't take it personally; whatever negativity that person is dishing out to you is about them, not you. Don't take it personally.
Final Point:
Maya Angelou once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Before you go into any heated family discussion, ask yourself two questions:
1) Am I entering this conversation with love or fear?
2) Is what I'm about to say a reflection of who I really am?
Being honest with yourself and asking (and answering these questions) before having the talk will make the outcome 100 times better.
*NOTE: If you're walking into the conversation mad as hell, turn around and walk out. This is not the time or energy space for you to be having this conversation. I'm just sayin!
Check back here for the next post, "Control Freak: Everybody Has One."
Kassandra Vaughn, CEO ROI Coaching
Think big, act small, love all the way through...
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