What Your Same Sex Parent Doesn't Get, May Never Get, But You Need To

In all relationships, there is no wound deeper than those inflicted between parent and child. That level is magnified in the same sex parent-child relationship.

When a mother belittles her daughter or a daughter rejects her mother, it isn't as simple as "I hate you." It goes much, much deeper.

The first role model a child ever has about being the man or woman he is capable of being comes from his or her father or mother. Do you remember the first time you saw your father shaving? Do you remember the first time you saw your mom put on lipstick or high heels? Remember the first time you tried to imitate them?

Even at that young age, you knew that who you would be was somehow intricately connected to who your mom or dad was. Trusting this, you put your faith in their identity and you lifted them up to God status because, to you, these were the only two people in the world who couldn't fail.

That notion remains completely in tact until your first memory of abuse. Whether physical, mental or spiritual, children know how they are supposed to be treated and when the exact opposite happens, they know two things:
1) It's not right
2) It's somehow their fault because they're God-like parents couldn't be wrong

As the small child longing for your parents' love and approval, entering the world assuming you had it, it's a volcano of an experience to turn to the one person you're supposed to be safest with and hear "Shut up!" or "You're stupid!" or "I wish you were never born!" or "You don't do anything right!"

It's unthinkable to be beaten for not taking out the trash on time or talking back or forgetting to say thank you. By doing this, your parents weren't just beating you up; they were beating you down, sending home the message that who you are is not enough, without punishment, and never will be.

It's a crushing experience when "God" hates you and, before long, you begin to hate yourself.

You begin to inflict the emotional abuse on yourself because you'd rather beat your parents to the punch than give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry. The abused becomes the abuser and the cycle continues.

With the same sex parent, the guilt is magnified. You either become the son your father always wanted or the one who'll never be half the man he is. You either take on your mother's baggage or live forever trying not to be crushed by it.

Whatever the family history, whatever the family secrets, father/son and mother/daughter dynamics can be explosive.

Why?

Because when you were born, that parent put into you all the hopes and dreams he/she never had the opportunity to pursue. By the time you hit the teen years, this same parent is looking upon you with all the loss and regret he or she has had to live with since you were born.

In some way, shape, and form, to them, you've grown up to be either their:
1) tropy
2) lost cause

Neither choice leaves you the room to be you.

So what do you do?

I'm not going to tell you to have a heart-to-heart talk. If you're reading this article, it means you've probably had a number of those "We need to work on our relationship" talks only to hear "Ok but you're wrong and I'm right."

You can't have a productive, transforming conversation with someone who strongly feels that they don't need any changing.

There! I said it!

What you do need to do is resolve this issue within yourself so you can be free to love, forgive and experience joy in all of your other relationships. This doesn't require closure with your same sex parent (although it would be nice). It requires you giving that small inner child the one thing he/she never got growing up- love and acceptance.

First, you need to let the bitterness, lack of trust, and anger for your parent go. He/she did the best they could with what they knew how.

A screwed up grandparent who raises a screwed up parent who raises you does not spell for a happy family. Acknowledge that your parents' inner child is in as much pain as yours and let it go at that.

I'm not saying forget. We teach people how to treat us. You must remember so when you deal with your parents, you know how to set up boundaries. I'm saying let the past go, forgive it and stop blaming them because it's hurting you way more than it's hurting them. Forgiveness is your lifesaver, not their alibi.

The second thing you need to do is reconnect with your inner child. In psychology, they call it inner child work. You'll find many exercises and ways to do this in Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John Pollard III and The Power Is Within You by Louise L. Hay. Buy these books, do the work and heal yourself.

Last but not least, make a commitment that the cycle ends here. You will not do to your children what your parents did to you. Unlike your parents, you do know better. You have the tools. Now it's up to you to do the work and live the life that your parents barely dreamed of.

Create a world where your kids will grow up knowing that they are safe, they are loved and, no matter what, they are enough.

That's how the world will change... and it begins with you!

"In order to have the space to be ourselves, we need to give that space to others. By forcing our parents to be something that they are not, we cut off our own love. We judge our parents just the way that they judge us. If we want to share with our parents, we need to begin by eradicating our own preconceived judgments of them."
- Louise L. Hay, "The Power is Within You"


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